On Thursday, I will have my fourth surgery in a year. It started with a heart procedure last May, followed by two relatively minor elbow surgeries and will conclude with a more involved operation on my elbow which will have me on very limited duty for a while.
As I have been dealing with all of this, I have been thinking a lot about getting older. The last twelve months have been, without question, the hardest time for me physically in my life. I have told folks that I feel like I aged way more than one year in that time. And coming on the heels of the pandemic, it is no wonder that I feel so beaten up.
One of the struggles has been coming to terms with the things that I cannot, or at least should not, keep doing. I have been into fitness for a long time and have always liked being really strong in the weight room. I guess it had become a part of my identity (and also why I keep having elbow surgeries, but…). However, I am not that guy anymore, and that has been difficult to accept.
But I also believe that our bodies and minds believe what we tell them, and so I am trying to really watch what I say to myself. I try to catch myself when I want to say that I feel old or broken down or whatever. And sometimes, it even works.
As I face this surgery and think about the one last year that saved me, I am also trying to figure out how to be me in a new way. I am trying to focus on what I can and want to do more than what I cannot.
For instance, I recently made the decision to turn over lawn care at our house to someone else. Our yard is large, and it takes me about four hours to get it all done the way I like it. And by the end of that time, I will be too tired to do other things I want to do. So, I made the call, hired someone, and turned my attention elsewhere to some other things that I would rather spend my time on.
The way I see it (on the good days anyway) is that I get to decide how I am going to feel and who I am going to be. I will just do that with one good arm for a little while. And if you see me talking to myself, don’t worry, it’s probably just a pep talk.