The Space Between, or Why I am Leaving Facebook for a While

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”

These words are credited to Viktor Frankl, though it was Steven Covey who made them well known. I heard another author, when speaking about this quote, suggest that our task is to “train that space.”

I have been thinking about that space, and how important it can be for our daily lives and for our mental and emotional well-being.

When we use that space wisely, we can grow. We can exert our true power, make our most lasting impact, be most true to ourselves. In that space we can listen and learn and question and ponder. We can think through what we have seen or heard and decide if any actual response is needed, and if so, what kind. Should we be angry, surprised, hurt, joyful? Do we need to call out a wrong, name an injury, or begin a celebration? There is great power in that space.

But when we squander or ignore that space, we give up our power and we choose to not grow. What we get instead is usually an instant reaction, not a reasoned response. And instant reactions are often wrong, hurtful, dangerous. They can start wars, end friendships, sink businesses, and wound loved ones.

I have often said that we need to respond, not just react. We need to think things through, and that means that we may have to sit with some uncomfortable things for a little while as the actual image takes shape, or the actual meaning sinks in.

Sitting with these things is an active approach. It is more than just putting off dealing with something. JFK spoke of the need to “use time as a tool, not as a couch.” Those words were spoken during the Cuban missile crisis, while he was taking the time to study and plan and formulate a reasoned response, should it be needed. That is what I am talking about here, seeing the space as a tool, not a couch.

We are not handling that space well these days. In a world of constant information, some true but much not, and with the instant interaction that social media affords, we are missing the power of the space between stimulus and response. I mean, people don’t even proof their responses to make sure that it is readable before they post a comment to something that they don’t like on social media platforms.

In giving up the time and space like we have, we have surrendered much of our power and squandered so many opportunities to grow and learn. We don’t take the time to think through what we read or to verify that it is even true before we offer our take on it. We believe that our opinion actually matters to people we have never met, and we want to get it out there as quickly as we possibly can.

And often in doing this, we end up being hateful, or rude, or snarky, or condescending. None of those are descriptions of the kind of people we should strive to be, and none of those are characteristics of people who make a difference.

Over the last few months, as we have dealt with both the pandemic and the Black Lives Matter protests, I have made the mistake of reading comments on people’s posts on Facebook. That was not a wise decision. I have rarely witnessed such hate, directed at both people known in real life, and people who the commenters will never meet. I am tempted to label much of this as arrogance, and some of it as ignorance, and both are true in places, but I think it is actually an expression of fear. It is fear of losing something, and the reaction is to hold on tighter and bark louder.

These exchanges are not healthy. They do not change minds, but they do harden hearts. And if fear is driving much of it, it is also causing a tremendous amount of anxiety. It can do real damage to mental and emotional health.

Over the months of the pandemic and the quarantine, I have dealt with anxiety like I have never known before. I am not an anxious person by nature, but there have been so many days where I felt like a panic attack was waiting around every corner. I suspect I am not alone in this.

Because this is outside of my normal experience, I have tried to take the time and sit with it and break it apart. Rather than just lugging this baggage around with me, I forced myself to do some unpacking. That is not fun work, but it is part of training that space between stimulus and response. I have been reading and listening to many different voices, hoping for some light to be shed on my anxiety.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but this past weekend I had one breakthrough. Much of my anxiety has come from social media. The constant barrage of information and misinformation. The instant and angry comments from everybody. The hardening of divisions over issues that should be easy for us. The conspiracy theories that range from laughable to ones that made me concerned for the well-being of some friends. All of it is just too much.

So, I am leaving Facebook behind for a while. I need the break. I can get the information I need from other places. And the people that I regularly interact with can still find me. I will miss some of it, but right now the negative impact on my health outweighs any positive value for me. I will probably come back, or maybe I won’t. If I do, I will clean up the friend list and set some hard boundaries for me.

Instead of wasting time scrolling and reading and reacting, I am going to do more meditation and writing and focus on being more present, for myself and those that matter most to me.  I am going to mindfully sit in that space between stimulus and response and allow myself to be changed for the better by and in that space, for in that space is freedom and power and growth and happiness. I am claiming that space in my life.